This Need

Last night was great! I started my first oil painting and I watched movies at Tim's party. It was great. Driving this afternoon.......why!!!

Inside I feel tense,
my heart wants to stop,
so it can not happen,
other people are dense,
I try to push through it,
let it all go,
then more lectures and embarrassment,
A low, swift hit,
I try my hardest to succeed,
but not matter how hard I try,
I'm not good at this,
but it is something I need.

Road

I hung out with Madeline and Drea tonight. It was so much fun. We talked about so much and it felt good to be going out into social events again and hanging out with people. It was great.

Everyone travels,
down their own road,
it can be bumpy,
they may carry a heavy load,
but its the people out there,
that make it easier for other to go,
that really progress in this world,
it will show.

A Ball Of Hatred

Today school was ok and drivers ed. was bad. I won't go into it, but I hate parallel parking! We watched some of the movie Super Size Me in Health class and it was awesome. I was really informative and entertaining.

A ball of hatred,
thinks everyone is after them,
has problems with emotions,
this is where it will stem,
It will try to have friends,
and be aggressive and mean,
thinking it is quite normal,
it is all it has seen,
It will use the pity ticket,
to get its way forever,
it would rather work alone,
than united, together,
It had made it's own demise,
and keeps going in that direction,
YOU have a better choice,
a better selection.

Maddi are you free Saturday night? Tim is having a movie night and I want to know if you want to come. Write back or call me :) Miss You

Ramble

Today was ok... I am kind of tired so I'm going straight to the poem.

My heart still beats,
My lungs still breathe,
My muscles still function,
My true emotion seathed,
I have to go,
I have to finish,
I have to complete,
this....for the better....

Anticipation

Well here I am again at another Sunday in my life. So many of these have gone by that it is impossible for me to count how many have. The weirdest thing about every Sunday is that they have the same feel to each of them, but each and every one is different. I can tell when it is Sunday because I can feel it, but each one I am going through a different feeling or event which makes it different from the last. For example today again I go to drivers ed. It is consuming me now. I'm so sick of driving and others expecting me to be the best. I have to drive with Nicole today and she is the best driver in our class. She and I get along fine, but she is a very anger person. She finds problems with everyone and flips out over the silliest things. She almost died when someone was chewing gum a little loud, not like a hooker but just normally. O well. Every Sunday is different, but now I wish this one would end.

Something is in me,
feasting away,
eating at my self
it is anticipation...anticipation....the constant torture...my weakness...it is here...

Dark Samba

Well tonight I drove for drivers ed. Mrs. Ingersol, my instructor, was pretty nice. She bought chips and shared them with us. Yes! lol. It was pretty cool thought, and it feels great to have a moment off form being busy. I feel like the weight has been lifted temporally.

The lights go up,
and their bodies come close,
their hearts start to beat,
they turn up the heat,
they start their movements,
to the music in their souls,
they feel every pulse,
more than anyone else,
they shake their hips,
and on more warmth,
the audience is cheering,
their bodies still moving,
they finish with a bang,
and a rock hits our core,
they have captivated everyone,
and it is done...

If We Could Accept It

Tonight I have driver's ed. again. Sigh...I'm sick of it already. I'm kind of nervous for driving, but I am more nervous that I am not going to finish everything going on in my life. It seems as I have a bunch of pins and needles stuck in me and I keep driving them in and adding more. I have to quit this exhausting acupuncture. Here is another poem based on Morrie.

“You are going to die.”
The phrase makes people shrill.
“You are going to die.”
The words themselves kill.

“One day you are not going to live.”
Denial is how people ignore this sentence.
“One day you are not going to live.”
It’s not even thought about in adolescence.

What would happen if you were told
that you had three months to live?
Would you cry or become angry?
Would you expect others to give?

Morrie was told he had
only three months left.
ALS, the eater of bodies,
took his body in an unrecognized theft.

It made his body a prison
that his mind couldn’t escape.
As it took over, he atrophied.
His body turned into a shrived shape.

Morrie was hardly ever sad.
He even considered himself lucky.
How could someone be so optimistic
about being so unhealthy?

Morrie managed to do this
because he accepted death.
He knew he was going to pass
and he then treasured every breath.

He knew it was his time
to make that finally cross of life.
He would not pout, shiver,
or even show strife.

He had his chance in life
and learned all he could.
He was complete inside
and lived life to the fullest like everyone should.

“Death”
The world thinks it is defeat.
“Death”
It is what makes our lives complete.

“Death”
If we could accept it…
“Death”
..we would understand it…

“Death”
…and we would be able to live…
“Death”
…and be able to give.

The Truth In Emotions

Drivers ed. was ok. Have alot of work still, starting to pile, o well...

Why do people withhold their emotions?
What are they afraid of?
A question asked by few
lost in society’s oceans

Are we afraid that others will hurt us
when we open up and show weakness?
That they will be cruel, mean,
and think of us as a “wuss”

Or is it just the human society
that puts down feelings?
Does it makes us feel uncomfortable,
become “outcasted”, and gain anxiety?

The truth really is
those emotions are expressions
made to be heard and shared.
no matter hers or his.

If you lock up your emotions
and keep them bottled up inside,
it will come back to bite you
with your expressions and motions.

People have to be open
and have someone to vent to.
It could blow up inside
and problems will reopen.

If people were more free
with their emotions
there would be less pain in the world
and more people would be able to see.

They would be able to see…the truth.

"If You Learn How To Die, You Will Learn How To Live"

Today I am working, again. What can I say I'm a work-a-holic. Tomorrow I start drivers-ed and I am so nervous I could pee my pants. Literally! He is a poem inspired by the book Tuesdays With Morrie. I think everyone should read that book.

A man on the edge
looking down his past.
He laughs to himself and says,
“It really didn’t go by that fast.”

He looks at all the things
he got to say before he crossed
that bridge of no return.
He forgot all he lost.

He wanted to teach
to the day he had to go.
He wanted everyone to experience this
then take it in and grow.

His death would not be miserable.
He would keep this as a vow.
He would stick behind his beliefs.
“Love one another other, or die now.”

He kept his promise
and he taught an old friend
how to live life to the fullest
even until the end.

He had taught him how to forgive,
love, fear, and how to handle pain.
He had taught him about regret
the permanent memory stain.

He had taught him how to say goodbye
with one of his final hugs.
He had taught him to display emotion.
while hooked up to multiple drugs.

His teaching would indirectly make
a book for everyone to share
his thoughts, beliefs, and aphorisms on life.
He did really care.

Now he is where
all of us are destined to go.
His beliefs are now in the world
for everyone to know.

He has been a saint to all
who have read the lessons he gave.
He has given people so much.
He was very brave.

“If you learn how to die,
you will learn how to live.”
He said this to all
who must learn how to live.

Death

Tomorrow I am working. I have to work on some projects this weekend, but I hope to go to the Improv. night on Saturday.

Destiny of all
Everyone must experience
A different beginning
The final goodbye
Hopefully peaceful

Your Own Fate

Today as a ok day. Health class was terrible, but the rest of the day wasn't the same. Tomorrow I have play rehearsal for "The Music Man".

You say things that are stupid,
You stupid without cause,
You don't know crap about me,
You make comments without pause,
You make everyone else laugh,
You do it at my expense,
You make your words poison,
You make me angry and tense,
You shouldn't have built the fire,
You have caused a permanent hate,
You were once ok,
You have decided your own fate.

Lonely Pains

I know I haven't been blogging. It has been hard lately, I've been extremely busy. With all the plays, and other projects going on with school I can't blog everyday like I used to. Well I'm going to make up for it!

Inside myself,
it feels so empty,
even though I have a lot,
I have built up energy,
my writing doesn't satisfy,
my feelings anymore,
All I see are my dreams,
behind an impassable glass door,
I seem many people,
who have it worse off them me,
but I still find time to complain,
I just can't see,
love ones are drifting,
because the time I had is lost,
good grades, all the plays,
my friends were the cost,
I've been really blind,
focusing on one goal,
I used to be somewhat full,
now there is just a hole,
I try to get out all the stuff,
that flows through my veins,
all I seem to find,
are these lonely pains.

More Than Anything

Tomorrow I am really nervous because I am meeting with a group called AVER for lunch. I am getting out of school and going to the TNC, a hotel in our area. AVER is a group that is trying to make Berlin and Gorham a better economic community and they want some young input on what Berlin and Gorham should do. I want to try to push a theatre and finally get some culture in Berlin. I hope it goes we'll...

The pressure around,
the air and the sound,
the melody enters,
into my soul,
it protects me,
what I live to be,
others try to fade,
my protection inside,
my passions are alive,
completion I strive
I need a soul that's full,
I need this more than anything...