So the High School play has now come to a close. A new self was discovered and other old shells were lost, but overall a wonderful exprierence was gained. I am also past the business stage and I now have more time. It is hard to decide if this new span of time is a relaxation point or a hole containing a void. Whatever it may be life rolls on...
Lately I have been feeling this strange emotion. Whenever I go to write, whether it is a poem, essay, math problem, I feel this writer's block inside of me. It is like I feel that everything I write is complete dribble or hypocritical with some past action in my life. It is also going from my writing to my speaking as well. I sit at my computer desk and rewrite the same sentence over and over in so many different ways that I have run out of grammar patterns to follow. I feel as my writing seems to go nowhere or doesn't totally express what I want to say. Even as I write this I want to change things. I feel stupid and maxed out. I want to just procrastinate and slack of, no matter how much work I put in it hasn't paid off yet. Well, that's no true....I have a lot that I have gained, but I just don't seem to care in a way. Is this selfishness? See, here I go again questioning myself, looking for the answer in a person who doesn't even know.
Everything is changing and it doesn't feel like growing up. It feels like growing down. I feel as all my beliefs are scattered, all my dreams are changing, all my wants transforming, all that I knew I have subconsciously choose to forget. I feel like a toy to some and a loved one to others and the next day I will feel different. Is this the process of growing up, I feel like I am growing down.
I try to remember all the happy times in my life and as time runs by they become foggier. I have become more forgetful and louder. I am mad at myself, and I am sad to myself, but I am happy to everyone else. Why? How?...
...I am going to work again on my paper for English. I am writing about how you can find true happiness. I am telling people how I think someone can find happiness, and I haven't even found true happiness myself...
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2 comments:
I have been through the same thing...you were there for a majority of it...some of it started before we knew eachother...but i don't know what to say to make it better. because no matter what i say, it wont make you feel better. just know this, richard. i am ALWAYS going to be here for you no matter what. i love you. let me know if there's anything i can do for you.
You are right maddi, I can see the connection. I am the only one with the answer and I have to write my own thesis, no matter how it sounds all that matters is that it has come form me. Thanks for letting me see that.
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