Fusillade of People

A fusillade of anger,
enters my mind,
why are these people,
still kept inside,
when they steal and mooch,
and wear you down,
lie to your face,
obtain so much pride,
I don't understand it,
why can't they just go away,
Am I just being irascible,
or are they always in the way,
They are envious and twisted,
hubris in their view,
only care about themselves,
why are they here to stay,
I don't wish them harm,
or wish they would fall,
I just wish they would live a life,
away from it all,
I can go through mine,
and the same for them,
we would both be happy,
what is wrong with that all,
A fusillade of people,
around me all day,
their arrogance, their myopic view,
why don't they just go away???
....?......

Fellowship

Well today is the last day of my Thanksgiving weekend. It was a very good weekend; I saw a lot of my friends, I under went a lot of adventures, and today I am about to finish reading Moby Dick. I am so happy that I am about to finish that boring, trite, yet deeply meaningful book. Hey if Ahab can be a unholy, godly figure, the book can be both dull and exciting. Why not.....!

I start driving down the highway,
with all the strife that I might have,
the sun starts to descend,
and the world starts to halve,
I start to drive down the dirt road,
anticipation running through my chest,
I see them down the road walking,
the feeling to come is the best,
this "mini family" loves,
this second home surrounds my soul,
I learn so much, I feel so much,
without I would never be whole,
I can see after,
I can breathe better,
I know I have another,
The stone of agony gets lighter,
at the end of the evening,
after the fun and games,
I quit with a sense of fervor,
and a thought of one name,
You give me so much:
knowledge, dreams, and faith,
and that feeling in my heart,
that I have this "mini faith"

a "mini family, no fellowship to love.

Connected Christmas Song

Today I worked on the float for this year's Parade of Lights, which occurs tonight! Our float isn't the most impressive, eye dazing thing in the world, but it will surely do. It is going to be a fun night!

So on my way to float building I listened to a Christmas song on the radio. I have heard this song before, but only til today did I really find a deep connection with the song. I am going to post the lyrics this evening and I will highlight the parts that really are attached to my heart. Enjoy: My Grown-Up Christmas List.

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies
Well I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, ooh
This is my grown up christmas list

As children we believe
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath the tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal a heartached human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, no
This is my grown up christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth

No more lives torn apart (No more torn apart)
That wars would never start (never start)
And time would heal all hearts (ohh..hearts)
Everyone would have a friend (one would have a friend)
And right would always win (would always win)
And love would never end (never...never end, no)
This is my grown up christmas list
This is my only lifelong wish
This is my grown up christmas list...

~as sung byKelly Clarkson

Please Tell...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!


How do you know the right thing to say?
How do you see the sun in every day?
How can you think of some many good ideas?
How did you survive through so many years?
How do you deal with those who encumbered?
How are you so excited right after you have slumbered?
How do you control the maelstrom in your brain?
How do you seem to not be garnished or have a stain?
How do you imagine all of these majestic worlds?
How do you take all the stress and unfurl,
How do you do it.....that is be you?
Please tell.......I want to know too.

Simplicity

This weekend was a very excitable one. Friday night, after doing a "butt-load" of homework, I went to Cole brook for the Stay-awake-a-thon. I had to stay awake all night long in the Colebrook school; there was a dance and many other activities. It was a lot of fun! Then, I helped Tim out with a concert he put on at his house. The chamber players that performed were extremely nice and fun to talk to. After all the crap I went through this past week, it is nice to have this precious weekend.

The song of a bird,
flowing through the breeze,
The midnight air
with it's crispness and freeze,
A snow flake falling down,
onto the solid earth,
An announcement in a crowd,
to introduce a birth,
A cozy night by the fire,
that you never want to leave,
The favorite shirt of the bunch,
that fits just right at the sleeve,
A prayer of hope,
from a child a his bed,
A sparkle in the eyes
of a crush's head,
The scenery of the world,
that is the background of everything,
A cup of hot chocolate,
and the warmth it will bring,
All of these priceless items,
are the simple things,
that we all find in our core,
that form into our wings,
They are savors that save us,
from the moments that we dread,
the arms that warm you,
and turn your heart back to red,
I have forgotten how these simple things,
feel inside of me,
and I will never forget,
and I hold them dear to me,
Out of all the simple things,
that one that gives you the most,
is a friend to love,
and to hold you close......
....remember.....simplicity gives everyone the greatest thing of all...that warm feeling in the heart.

Lost Gremlin

This weekend has been crazy! I am going on three hours of sleep for the past two days! I am just getting to the writing...

I enter a lovely place,
seeing a lost gremlin with a grin,
he's taking away someone,
you hold dearly within,
I wouldn't mind a prince,
that could sweep her of her feet,
but this dwarf of abuse,
those standards he can't meet,
She starts to catch his presence,
fall under his embrace,
the mask he is wearing,
covers more than his face.
Then you find out his history,
these catacombs of the past,
how they haven't changed very much,
and his embrace will not last,
This monster only wants,
to taking away her virginity,
something you only have once,
weather you think it is useless or purity,
Now the devil's plant comes on stage,
during the production of "The Ass"
she is starting to become bewitched,
by his sincerity that won't last,
spontaneity and flaunting,
have a fine line in between,
Have you really crossed it?
It is what is seen,
please everyone in the world,
think of your friends that love you the most,
and then think if hormonal status,
is becoming to make you a host.

A Chance

I have gotten over the feeling I wrote about in my last post. School is going at a consistent, mundane pace. I am excited for my friend, Janel's, party this Friday. It is going to be a blast.

Looking up into infinity,
wishing for the chance,
to have my arm around your torso,
to even catch a glance,
to feel something in my body,
flowing through my veins,
to feel the warmth of a body,
instead of these cold chains,
I want to be able to know,
I can love, and be loved,
I think it turns from want to need,
I just need to be loved

Thesis On How To Find True Happiness Written By Someone Who Hasn't Found It In Themself

So the High School play has now come to a close. A new self was discovered and other old shells were lost, but overall a wonderful exprierence was gained. I am also past the business stage and I now have more time. It is hard to decide if this new span of time is a relaxation point or a hole containing a void. Whatever it may be life rolls on...

Lately I have been feeling this strange emotion. Whenever I go to write, whether it is a poem, essay, math problem, I feel this writer's block inside of me. It is like I feel that everything I write is complete dribble or hypocritical with some past action in my life. It is also going from my writing to my speaking as well. I sit at my computer desk and rewrite the same sentence over and over in so many different ways that I have run out of grammar patterns to follow. I feel as my writing seems to go nowhere or doesn't totally express what I want to say. Even as I write this I want to change things. I feel stupid and maxed out. I want to just procrastinate and slack of, no matter how much work I put in it hasn't paid off yet. Well, that's no true....I have a lot that I have gained, but I just don't seem to care in a way. Is this selfishness? See, here I go again questioning myself, looking for the answer in a person who doesn't even know.

Everything is changing and it doesn't feel like growing up. It feels like growing down. I feel as all my beliefs are scattered, all my dreams are changing, all my wants transforming, all that I knew I have subconsciously choose to forget. I feel like a toy to some and a loved one to others and the next day I will feel different. Is this the process of growing up, I feel like I am growing down.

I try to remember all the happy times in my life and as time runs by they become foggier. I have become more forgetful and louder. I am mad at myself, and I am sad to myself, but I am happy to everyone else. Why? How?...

...I am going to work again on my paper for English. I am writing about how you can find true happiness. I am telling people how I think someone can find happiness, and I haven't even found true happiness myself...