Monster In The Heartbeat

This week is getting really stressful. I have the BHS play along with missing two days of classes to make them up, including Honors English, oh boy! It's going to be hard, but I will have to endure. I went to Jacqui's funeral today and it was sad. I got to see Mr. Rothe, my old band teacher that moved away, for the first time in a while. When they read some poems she wrote, I almost died, but I got through it.

Happy Halloween Yeah!

On this Halloween night,
I look at the fright,
of the fact of l'ange d'octobre,
and I think on the battle,
with her monster inside,
and how she had to hide,
she thought she beat the monster,
I just seemed to get heavier,
and at the end she didn't think she had won,
but through all that she suffered,
and all she endured,
she is now in a better place,
now I wonder if I could beat,
the monster inside my heartbeat,
or is it outside in reality,
I wish for her strength,
and a breath,
I saw her cry?

Again Happy Halloween

Quicky

Well I just hung out with my friend JP last night, and today I'm supposts to hang with Madeline. I'm starting to get into m imfomus Christmas mood. There is no stopping me, I love Christmas.

When will I learn to make good decisions,
When will I find my goal,
I am getting to old...

Regency Ball

Today went alot better than yesterday. Yes, people were still sad about Jacqi and it was memoed through the school, but classes kept going. Before we left they had an army band from Boston play and it was awesome. They were realy good and played all genres. Rock, Country, Jazz, even Rap! Then I had play rehersal and it went good. We are dedicating the play to Jacqi, and today we went over Act 2, yesterday's plan. The I went back the school to set up the Regency Ball. It was awesome!!! I was a Britian soldier under the direction of a mad King George. I arrested so many people it's crazy. I did great in my piece I played on the harpsicord, and we did a dance! It was really fun....I can't write anymore I'm so tired....

L'Angle De La Neige D'Octobre

........something happened today that was expected by most......and other than that nothing really happened except Regency Ball tomorrow....

A normal day at school,
poison in my lungs,
then the snow started to fall,
the message I felt in other tounges,
I had the feeling something was going to happen,
and I knew this was coming,
but I didn't think that it would today,
inside darkness, the death march huming,

Anyways I was on my way,
to play practice, oh joy!
gifted on my walk a "Frozen Wilma"
we were all happy, like children with a new toy,
we entered inside,
got ready to start,
but the air inside,
rooted at my heart,

Then Josh came in,
he looked like a stone,
I just though he was having a bad day,
I didn't know he just became alone,
I was in the fog for a moment,
blinded were my eyes,
until Karen had me sit there,
all of the cast were in sighs,

Then the director spoke,
with insecurity in tone,
"As you might know Jacqi just..."
everyone was then alone,
Some ran in the hall,
in hysterics in their eyes,
some turned into other stones,
thinking if it were lies,

Some surported others,
as their tears filled their soul,
others stayed in the silence,
trying to make themself whole,
some hyperventalated,
some almost passed out,
we were all moved,
with out a doubt,

Now she is in the sky,
raining down her goodbye,
she can now be more of an angle,
I'm so sad because....... she didn't need to be...thats why...

Jacqi RIP (1987-2005)

Winter Breeze

I just got back from my camp, and I feel great! I did a lot of driving and getting prepared for driver's-ed. I did ok, driving is pretty inviguating. I finally got to relax and get away. It's snowing right now, yes! FIRST SNOW OF THE SEASON! Sorry, I love winter so I'm kinda excited...

When I feel this in the air,
The wind and snow in my hair,
A feeling comes inside me,
Inside my cold lair,
I love the winter breeze,
While other people freeze,
I can feel the spirit,
and it sets me to ease,
I love the cold,
it will mnever get old,
When I don't feel the ghosts,
At my heart they mold,
I can breathe...

La Nuit Noire

This week has been extremely busy for me with the Regency Ball my English class is doing coming to reality. It's been hard, but my friend and I finally got the chandeller done that we were making for it. I'm going to my dad's friends camp this weekend in Upton. It should be a great vacation from good ol'Berlin and my school. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate what I love,
I'm sick of two years,
I envy what I have,
truth comes to my fears,
I hate my feelings,
these difects in my soul,
I am not happy,
I am not whole,
I live in la nuit noire,
where my burns begin to bleed,
and drip into my eyes,
then it begins to feed,
I must overcome it,
I must move on,
this "it" is a scourge,
that la nuit noire lives on...

The Adventures of Jones, Edward Jones. (But everyone called him piggy!)

This story Aly and I wrote when we were bored at camp, I want you all to enjoy it too! Read my other post for today to after this!

The First Chapter and The Last!

Once apon a time, there lived a pig. His name was Jones, Edward Jones, but everyone called him piggy! He was short, rounded, and pink from head to toe (or shall we say from his pointed ears to stubby tail). He lived in San Juan, Puerto Rico; but he liked to go vacationing to Gorham, NH where the weather was much cooler, so he would have an excuses to wear his favorite striped hat, scarf, mittens, and booties. His favorite part of Gorham was going out to eat at his favorite restaurants: Mc. Donald's, Burger King, Mr. Pizza's, and Pizza Hut, but the best part; he would hit them all in one night! At Mc Donald's, he would order a happy meal and the little toy would help calm him down if they didn't get the order right. At Burger King, they would have to make a "special" order and actually make a burger, actually they would have to make 22 and 1/2 to be exact. At Mr. Pizza's, he would get bacon pizza, but we call it "surpize pizza", not to scare him. Finally at Pizza Hut, well, he would just get another pizza! We just hope he will make a good "surpize pizza" for someone else, someday.

The End!

The Want For Floating

I have been defeated
By a link shaped monster,
It has haunted me,
It has defiled me,
My soul becomes weaker,
It has dug in my heart,
imbued me with surenity,
then it killed my heart,
it was bound by the very start,
I've lost my sanity,
I have become contradicted,
why can't I see,
the pain coming,
the anxiety coming,
I'm not even real to me,
I know what happens everytime,
but I still insist on plunging,
I get scratched up,
I get clawed up,
light isn't what I am longing,
I never seem to be happy,
I have to remind myself to breathe,
I can't control myself,
I don't adore myself,
I just seem to seethe,
the monster I never want to see again,
but I'm stuck in its reach,
I calling on the clown,
I'm calling on "Phantom",
Floating is out of my reach...

I've been at Jp's house this Saturday and Sunday hanging out with him, Aly, Catie, and Chels. It was ok, kind of boring and annoying. O well. I am going to post something funny other than this read it!

You Guys

Last night was really fun! Danny, Madeline, Nick, and some other of their friends and me went to Bean Street, our local cafe and hangout spot, last night. It was open mic. night so we got to listen to alot of people sing while playing guitair or piano. It was sweet! Then we hung out afterwerds at different spots until midnight. It was awesome outside at night last night because of the rain. This one goes to you people...

In the night of Berlin,
We'll deside to hangout,
And when I seem to do so,
I could never pout,
You guys let me forget,
About the pain inside,
we will have many laughs,
With you guys I can't hide,
Sure we might do many weird things,
Like hangout at Shaws
But you guys awesome,
You look over my flaws,
I don't care when I'm around you,
I can't see any stress,
Now I will congradulate you,
The pain seems to be less.

The Memories

This week has been hard on me with work. I had to learn a dance and other things for my regency ball, sell wreathes, deal with some people at school that I shall leave nameless, and homework. It has been long but it is over. I have nothing to do this weekend other than homework, I NEED PLANS. O well.

Deep inside,
its coming out,
I feel the ghosts,
I hear the shouts,
the calls of the spirits,
old inner feelings,
the pain has come,
where are the healings,
I can't take it,
I'm going to die,
I can't take the pictures,
the memories don't lie.
I miss this feel
but I also hate it,
I need this feeling,
but I wish I didn't.
I know I write how I feel
I wish I didn't have to write it though...

A Quick Breath

This long weekend was great. I hung out with my friend JP, who I really haven't in a long time. On Satuday we gamed at Anna and John's, Sunday we went to his church, which is like the coolest church in the world, and just hung out from then till Monday. He got me obsessed with this old PS game, Legend of Dragoon. It's awesome! Tomorrow at school is going to feel weird but I get to present my banners that Caramon, Tim, and me worked on for the past liike 3 months. I'm extremly excited about that. well time to write, it feels so good to finally write...

When the pain inside your heart,
turn around for a slight moment,
it's a quick breath of hope,
its hope's concent,
It might turn back to back to pain,
and bleed inside the sewers
the sewer that inflict dark poison,
the poison that seems to skewer,
but it was worth it,
to have the joy erode,
the block of coldness inside my soul,
I end on this finally node.

My Mind's Babble

Today I hung out with Aly and watched an awesome movie called Rose Red, another Steven King story. It was awesome, believe me! It made me think of things. I ready for this weekend, its going to be long. O well.

Looking at the night sky,
not knowing why I do this,
plunge me into flames,
It can make my mind abyss...
...here I go again, maybe I'll become numb and not feel the pain I know I will.
Who knows, maybe darkness will go off this time

Just Stay With Me

This weekend is going to be a long 4-day weekend. I have to read alot out of this book that I can't stand, Pride and Prejudice. Its the worst book in the world, they are not clear on which characters are saying things or talking and the wording is poor. Pretty much it is a badly done soap opera in a book form. then I have to go to my friends house and be a third weel to his girlfriend, you know who much fun that is...

I just want it back,
the feelings that I had,
I want you back,
I am so sad,
I hate that I have,
in order to feel the joys of the heart,
I have to burn it inside,
I don't know why I start,
I just want this to stop,
I hurts so bad,
i just want to kill it
It makes me so mad,
I want to be able,
to caress you in that way,
to have your warmth imbue me,
to have you to stay,
but all i get is poison,
trough your body and your tounge,
it burns at my sould,
and at my age so young,
others make it worse,
I want them to go away,
all I want to extract the poison,
to make you just stay...

The Cat's Court

Today I got my school pictures back....put it this way I have tot ake re-takes. Band's going good; I have to start selling Christmas Wreathes soon for Band trips. It is our fundraiser. Lately, alot of the time I have this weird feeling and I can't figure out what it is. It a feeling deep inside...
.....that I have wrote about......
......and I don't know why...

you seem to me that your happy,
I know it's true,
but deep down inside, my shadows,
I live to see it through,
you can't see me,
but I can see you,
the cat has the court,
I had it too,
it has the say,
the power of the drift,
when it catches it's prey,
my darkness begins to lift.
I hope it will be my turn
once someday,
to get the darkness under control,
to make the cat go away.

Dark Girl Picture

I'm trying out my new picture sender.

The Acidic Virus Code

Today at school was werid. I'm not in the mood for much talking, but I'll fill in later.

Inside my stomach,
an acid will erode,
my sanity, and my wisdom,
like a virus code,
it happens when friends,
turn around their ways,
start to take on new forms,
more and more with passing days,
I hate this acid inside me,
I want to just puke it out,
I hope that someone will understand me,
the fact itself I doubt,
the virus code will keep deleting,
all the memories that I've had,
untill all that is left,
is a feeling colse to sad,
lonliness

P.S. Madeline if you read this tell me what happened on Saturday.

Your There

When I am down,
and I don’t know what to do,
when darkness takes my soul,
I seek advice from you,
You let me vent out,
you understand most I say,
you will try to help with my problems,
either November, or today,
you ask me for advice too,
when your heart starts to cry,
I’ll always try to be there,
when all you do is sigh,
I’ll always be your friend,
as you will always be mine,
just give me a call when you’re hurting,
and I’ll try to help you till your heart starts to shine.

Happy Birthday Aly

The Bottom

Everything's dark,
where is everyone,
where did my happiness go,
I am way past the sun,
I have this burning inside,
that everything piles into,
throughtout my friends changing,
and then there is you,
I just want to get rid of,
this scorching pain inside,
but nothing or no one can help me,
not even when I hide,
tt seems all I seem to do,
i write about this feeling I know,
I just can't seem to get rid of it,
this pain is really low,
People I love, don't,
People I won't, will,
I feel as if I'm just plan dumb,
nothing will seem to fill,
you don't see the feeling,
and you don't see me,
you are the cause of this feeling,
all you do is hurt thee,
I hate you so much,
but I can't help to feel,
the blood flowing through me,
this is one lopsided deal,
Your face tears at my eyes,
I want to just cry,
I can't control my emotions,
they seem to just die,
I want to erase,
my memory and fate,
you just don't see,
my passionate, loving, hate,
on the other hand there are others,
others that just bring me down,
they have no intution,
when they see a frown,
why do I complain,
am have I hit rock bottom,
I'm done for now,
my emotions are on the bottom.

The Speed Bump

Homecoming was better than I thought it would be. First, throughout the day I hung out with Alyssa and Val and we had some memories believe me, one being running over a cone. It was fun, and then we had to march in the homecoming parade in the band. It was cool and I was pumped for playing. Then we went to the bon fire and listened to see who's float won; Seniors did. Then I hung with madeline and danny and compan and thats about it. Going to the feild today to play, come see me if you live in Berlin 2:30.

My body is filling,
with this liquid poison,
and my heart is drowning,
without and reason,
I just don't know where to go,
I just want someone to hold me,
to love me forever,
I just want to see,
how do get through this endevour,
My soul just wants to be hole,
but I stand on the road,
looking at these figments,
as unwanted as a toad,
one of many pigments,
wishing that my mind would work,
My breathing becomes heavy,
my core tenses up,
my thought seems to chevy,
I'm stuck in a speed bump
and I need help out...